Elevator Etiquette - 101

Elevator etiquette is something that should be taught to everyone, including this remedial elevator rider. Always chatty, smiling and somewhat effervescent, the memo on elevator demeanor never arrived. Several infractions have occurred, resulting in a mandated course in elevator etiquette. The necessary class begins now: start taking notes. Apparently after one enters an elevator, all riders mysteriously lose their ability to interact with others. No one shall speak on an elevator seems to be the unwritten rule that some riders are aware of, though not all. Eye contact amongst riders is frowned upon. There shall be no smiling at others on elevators, at any time, regardless of any humorous event that may have transpired. As one stands motionless on the elevator, as if enjoying the ride, one must not hum, thump, sneeze, cough, or God forbid, make any utterance from any orifice. It is not done; it is frowned upon; it is inconsiderate and totally inappropriate. The Elevator Police will "get" one.

While waiting for the elevator, one must progress into Elevator Mode. No talking to those waiting for an elevator. Remain looking at the doors, the "up" button or the numbers, as if transfixed as the elevator gets closer, one floor at a time. When the doors slide open, step inside, slowly turn and push the button, ever so slightly, for the desired exit floor. One must stand motionless with one's arms at one's sides, looking straight ahead for the remainder of the trip. Eyes may be focused on the door, the back of another's head, or slightly closed, looking downward toward the most interesting floor, as if in a stupor as the elevator moves. Looking around at the other riders is frowned upon by the Elevator Police. When realizing other riders are exiting on one's desired floor, refrain from commenting on that most interesting fact. Do not ask the same floor exiter which apartment is theirs, in hopes of getting to know one's floor mates. This is totally inappropriate and frowned upon by the Elevator Police. Under no circumstances should one comment on what the other riders are carrying with them, even if it is most interesting. A large dog riding in a wicker basket should be considered a daily affair and not worthy of speech.

When arriving at one's desired floor, exit the elevator without comment. Do not suggest the ride was long or uninteresting with a statement such as "we're finally here," or "that didn't take too long." Allow others to exit the elevator before one exits, if possible, to allow one to see which apartment others head toward. Do not comment on their movements, however. "So that's your place," or questioning "which way are you going?" are both inappropriate and considered, by the Elevator Police, to be in bad taste.

The rules of Elevator Etiquette, to keep the Elevator Police at bay, can be summed up as follows: Don't talk to anyone. Don't look at anyone. Don't make any sound of any sort. Don't comment on anything to anyone. Though other elevator riders reside in the same large building, under the same roof, using the same sewer system, garbage system and fresh water system, same pool, garage and fitness center, do not converse with them or the Elevator Police will issue a ticket, definitely not a felony, a mis-dumb-mean-er of sorts. Class dismissed.
Photo attribution: somewhatfrank